Seeing a friend or relative in need taps a wonderful human impulse in most of us: to give help. The quandary is that we’re often not exactly sure how to do that. What kind of help is needed? How can you find out? What’s the best way to offer meaningful, real help without being pushy, nosy, or otherwise off-key? Try these suggestions:

Don’t wait to be told; ask and offer. Well-intentioned helpers often say, “If you need anything, let me know.” But the person in need may be too overwhelmed to be able to act on such a broad, open-ended offer. Better to be proactive and specific: “Can I get you something from the grocery this afternoon?” “Can we take the kids for a sleepover this weekend to play with ours while you help your Mom?”

Be persistent. Don’t just offer once and forget about it. The person in need has a lot on his or her mind. There’s no harm in making offers again and again.

Know that sometimes, it’s okay to just jump in and do. Certain kindnesses don’t need a formal green light. Bring your friend a meal on a certain day once a week, no questions asked. Shovel his driveway after a big snow. Bring fresh flowers and leave them — in a vase, so she won’t have to fuss with finding one — on her doorstep.

Ask for specifics. If you are given a task to handle, get the information you need to do it right. That way the person won’t have to redo it later or be interrupted by a million follow-up questions from you along the way. For example, if you’re providing backup care, be sure you understand your charge’s preferences and needs, as well as how to handle basic care tasks you might encounter.

Offer exchanges. In long-term need situations, look for ways you can help one another. Maybe you trade “parent-sitting” duties if you each have a mother or father with dementia who can’t be left alone. Maybe you take turns making grocery runs. Some people find it easier to accept help when they feel they’re giving back, too. Of course, all of us need extra help at certain times in life — and are likely to be able to give it back in spades another time to those who helped us.

Paula Spencer Scott is senior editor at Caring.com, the leading online destination for caregivers seeking information and support as they care for aging parents, spouses, and other loved ones. Paula is a 2011 MetLife Foundation Journalists in Aging fellow and writes extensively about health and caregiving. For more ideas about asking for and offering help, see How to Create a Strong Breast Cancer Care Team.

Here at Lotsa, we often come across companies who also support and understand the needs of caregivers. When we find products and services that would be of use to our members, we want to share them with you. This guest post (and special Mother’s Day offer) comes from GreatCall, a company that has set out to make cell phones easy to use for aging loved ones.

You show your mom love and appreciation all year long, but she deserves a day that is dedicated to honoring all that she is.  Every May, Mother’s Day give us an opportunity to honor our mothers and let them know how much they mean to us.

Finding the right gift for mom can be tricky.  This Mother’s Day let your gift be something that she will truly use. GreatCall, the company that has set the standard for easy-to-use cell phones, has special a Mother’s Day offer for Lotsa members to make getting a cell phone for your mom even easier.

In today’s digital and wireless world, having a cell phone has become a necessity and a way of life.  Offering safety, convenience, and peace-of-mind, a cell phone is the number one tool of the modern world.

The Easy-to-Use Cell Phone

Cell phones today tend to be complicated, have tiny buttons, and are not intuitive – making them intimidating to many aging consumers and those with limited technical experience.  To help make cell phones accessible to everyone, GreatCall offers the Jitterbug Plus, a simple and easy-to-use cell phone.  Featuring large buttons, an enhanced speaker, a large display screen, built-in camera, and clear navigation, the Jitterbug Plus is the perfect Mother’s Day gift for your mom.

Smartphone Made Easy

For the more technical adapt parent, GreatCall offers a simplified smartphone, the Jitterbug Touch.  Combining the power of a smartphone with traditional Jitterbug ease-of-use the Jitterbug Touch features a large LCD touch screen, apps capability, an enhanced speaker, a slide out QWERTY keyboard, and a built-in camera.  Give your mom a smartphone that she will actually want to use.

Mother’s Day Special Offers for Lotsa Members

Visit http://www.greatcall.com/featured-offers.aspx for GreatCall’s Mother’s Day specials. Save $20 on the Jitterbug Plus or Jitterbug Touch as well as receiving a free car charger.  With GreatCall, shipping is always free, and for an additional $5 we will package your mom’s new phone in a beautiful decorative box.

This Mother’s Day give your mom a cell phone she will love to use!

Caring for a loved one who has a brain tumor can be an overwhelming experience. In addition to medical terms to learn, schedules to manage and medications to dispense, there is the stress of dealing with an uncertain prognosis and a future that is forever altered. From the physical and emotional drain to the dramatic changes that can occur within the caregiver/patient relationship, embarking on the caregiving path can be a journey in and of itself

And those changes affect the entire family as traditional roles shift—often in unexpected, stressful ways. When a loved one is diagnosed with a brain tumor, the family typically re-organizes to accommodate the needs of the patient.

“Suddenly, there’s a role reversal,” says Jean Arzbaecher, RN, MS, a neurooncology clinical nurse specialist who coordinates a support group for caregivers and people dealing with brain tumors. “Perhaps you were the breadwinner or the person who handled all the household chores. You often end up having to reverse that.”

Melanie, a member of Ms. Arzbaecher’s support group, experienced this role reversal first-hand when her husband, then age 29, was diagnosed with brain cancer. Up until that point, he’d been the family’s primary income earner; Melanie had recently resigned from her job to care for their one-year-old son full-time. Suddenly, she found herself caring for both her son and her husband.

Five years later, her husband is doing well, but household roles have been permanently altered. “There are a lot of things I have to take care of that I don’t necessarily want to do, but I have to do, because if I don’t it won’t get done,” Melanie says. “So I’m in charge of all the bills. I’m in charge of making sure that the kids are where they’re supposed to be and that if he’s supposed to do it, I call him and remind him.”

Hearing stories like Melanie’s and those of so many other caregivers prompted the ABTA to provide a dedicated support tool for caregivers. MyCaringLink, powered by Lotsa Helping Hands, allows caregivers to streamline support, organizing rides to treatment, meals, childcare and more.

The ABTA understands the challenges and changes that come with caregiving, and are here to help. For more information or to speak with one of our Care Consultants, call our CareLine at 800-886-ABTA (2282).

Mota de Cruz/Dreamstime

Every October we are immersed in a sea of pink – the color for breast cancer awareness –  yet the No. 1 killer of women in America remains heart disease.  In fact, twice as many women die from stroke or cardiovascular disease than all cancers combined, including breast cancer.  More than 1 in 3 women will die from heart disease this year – one every minute.

This February, the American Heart Association kicks off its 10^th anniversary of its Go Red Campaign in an effort to paint the town red and get women to stop and understand the truth of their heart disease risks.  Over the last 10 years the campaign’s success has paid off with amazing results:

• More than 627,000 women’s lives have been saved through awareness and education – that is 330 lives per day
• Almost two million women have completed the Go Red Check-up – a 10-fold increase since 2003
• Women have changed their heart risky behaviors – smoking has decreased 15 percent, 1 in 2 women have increased their exercise and cholesterol levels are 6-18 percent lower for those with readings over 200

“Women who Go Red have the awareness and are more empowered to make lifestyle changes,” says Dr. Suzanne Steinbaum, Go Red cardiologist and author of Dr. Suzanne Steinbaum’s Heart Book:  Every Women’s Guide to a Heart Healthy Life.  “Nine out of 10 of the women who visit our web site have made at least one healthy behavior change. But we still need to spread the word because there is a disconnect between women knowing about heart disease as the No. 1 killer and understanding their personal risk.”

One woman who became the most unlikely poster woman for heart disease is Dianne Kane-McGunigle of Quincy, Mass.  The 53-year-old platinum blonde stunner was always fit and healthy working as a personal trainer and fitness instructor and running marathons on weekends.  The mother of two had grown girls had always watched her numbers – things like weight, cholesterol and blood pressure and according to her doctor was as healthy as a woman at least a decade younger.

But one day last year, Dianne clutched her chest, hit the floor and found her police officer husband rushing her to emergency.  All she could think about was, “Please don’t let this be bad – I haven’t had grandchildren yet.

“I come from tough Irish stock and in retrospect I was overlooking some small warning signs because in my family you just tough it out,” says Dianne.

A couple of days before this emergency, Dianne had experienced some acid reflux and her forearms were achy and kind of numb.  She chocked it up to pushing herself too hard in recent workouts.  But the night before her attack she had tiny spams in her heart and she started sweating and feeling nauseous.  Next thing she knew she was on the floor and then in the hospital.

“Heart disease in women often presents differently than what we see in men,” says Dr. Steinbaum.  “It can be a sudden chest pain, such as what Dianne experienced, but it can also be more subtle – shortness of breath, jaw pain, back pain, flu-like symptoms, difficulty sleeping and the symptoms Dianne experienced such as nausea and vomiting.”

In addition, women who are caregivers – caring for an older parent or spouse with a devastating disease – are at greater risk for heart disease because of the prolonged emotional stress of caregiving, neglect of their own health and wellness needs and a tendency to adopt or rekindle bad habits such as smoking.

The ER doctors ran tests and told Dianne she was fine and was probably just experiencing a panic attack or had over-exerted herself at the gym.  But Dianne knew better.

“If I have any message for women out there – it is to be an aggressive advocate in your health and the health of your loved ones,” she says.  “I knew something was really wrong and I wasn’t going to be ushered out of the hospital as someone who just had a simple panic attack.”

She begged a kind nurse to run more tests.  “I’m dying,” Dianne told the nurse.  “You have to help me.”

Additional tests found that indeed Dianne had suffered a heart attack known as a widow maker.  This is a type of heart attack where it is a stenotic left main coronary artery –  a blood clot prevents blood from pumping through the left descending artery often resulting in a massive, sudden, fatal heart attack.  This is the same kind of heart attack that Rose O’Donnell survived last year.

“My doctors and I truly believe if I had not been as fit as I was, I would surely be dead,” says Dianne.

The American Heart Association advises women to know five important things when it comes to heart disease:

1. Don’t smoke. Period.
2. Know your numbers – blood pressure, cholesterol, blood sugar (for diabetes risk which is tied to heart disease).
3. Maintain a healthy weight and BMI (body mass index) by eating nutritiously.
4. Have a consistent exercise schedule (it keeps your body fit and reduces stress).
5. Know your family history.

L to R: Dianne and her twin sister, Denise

It is #5 that hit Dianne like a Mack truck.  She had all the other items checked but she had no idea that in her family, the widow maker type of heart attack is on both sides of her family tree.

“That was my wake-up call,” says Dianne, who has an identical twin, Denise.  Now this Go Red spokeswoman talks to other women about heart health and understanding each of the five things that could contribute to a life-altering event.

“Go Red encourages women to wear your red and tell five friends about the heart disease risk factors,” says Dianne.  “I have five sisters, including my twin sister, and we’ve all talked about our family risk.  I Go Red for them.”

©2012 Sherri Snelling

Sherri Snelling, CEO and founder of the Caregiving Club and author of A Cast of Caregivers – Celebrity Stories to Help You Prepare to Care (published by Balboa Press February, 2013), is a nationally recognized expert on America’s 65 million family caregivers with special emphasis on how to help caregivers balance “self-care” while caring for a loved one. She is the former chairman of the National Alliance for Caregiving.

Fifty years ago, Martin Luther King Jr. gave his famous “I Have a Dream” speech on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, D.C.  As we honor Dr. King’s birthday this month with the “MLK Day of Service” family caregivers can perform two acts of service for their loved ones:

1)    Ensure your loved one’s end-of-life wishes are in order (including Living Wills, Health Care Directives, Durable Power of Attorney, DNR, etc.).

2)    Help your loved one fulfill something on their bucket list.

Following are two great ways for caregivers and their loved ones to achieve both of these dreams.

The Five Wishes

Photo credit: Klikk/Dreamstime

When it comes to end-of-life wishes – especially the legally binding paperwork so essential to ensure families are not pulled apart when they need to come together – it is hard to start the conversation. There is a tool available that is not only affordable, valuable and legal but helpful in beginning the dialogue about end-of-life. It is called The Five Wishes.

In 1997, Jim Towey, who had served as MotherTeresa of Calcutta’s friend, volunteer AIDS worker and legal counselor, created a nonprofit organization, Aging with Dignity. At the core of the organization was a document Towey created that was in his words a “living will with a heart and a soul.” Essentially, the document asks five questions that cover medical, personal, emotional and spiritual needs to help you

communicate how you want to be treated if you are too ill to speak for yourself:

1. Which person you want to make health care decisions for you when you can’t make them.
2. The kind of medical treatment you want or don’t want.
3. How comfortable you want to be.
4. How you want people to treat you.
5. What you want your loved ones to know.

To date, the $5 document (either downloadable to your computer or mailed to you) has been filled out by millions of people worldwide and has been translated into 26 languages and Braille. It is used in all 50 states and meets the legal requirements for an Advance Directive in 42 states (in the remaining eight states you can attach The Five Wishes to the forms that state requires).

Because The Five Wishes has interesting origins with the principles of Mother Teresa infusing its purpose, this can be the conversation starter with your family.  While the emphasis is on aging baby boomers to ensure these wishes are in place, having your wishes written, legally binding and communicated to family is smart for everyone.  It is the legacy of the Terri Schiavo case that shows us the agony and antagonism that can happen to tear families apart when someone’s end-of-life care is unknown.  Schiavo was only 27 when she was put on a ventilator and feeding tube after cardiac arrest left her brain dead.  She lay in a vegetative state for 14 more years while her husband battled her parents over whether or not to keep her alive on machines.  If she had a Living Will or a Five Wishes document, there never would have been a battle.

The reality is if you do not have the conversation, family members can be confused and conflicted which can lead to emotional exchanges you do not want.  Dying is not a choice but how the end will be is.  We owe it to our families to share those wishes.  Your legal wishes may be written down but now is the time to start talking.

The Dream Foundation

When it comes to dreams, we all have our bucket list.  However, if you are battling a terminal illness, that bucket list seems even more precious but perhaps more elusive. Pain, immobility and money issues can dash these dreams and many give up their joy so they can focus their efforts on surviving.  But finding those moments of peace, reconciliation, validation and pleasure are part of life – no matter whether we are at the beginning, middle or end of our days.  One organization understands how important this is and grants real-life bucket list wishes to help caregivers help their loved ones achieve these end-of-life dreams.  Appropriately, it is called The Dream Foundation.

Seventeen years ago, Thomas Rollerson wanted to give his dying partner one last dream:  to go to the movies and see Mrs. Doubtfire starring his favorite actor, Robin Williams.  Seemingly a simple request, they set out for the move theater with water bottles to keep his loved one hydrated, a critical tool in abating the pain of his illness.  The theater asked the gentlemen to leave because you could not bring your own water into the theater. Rollerson, dedicated to helping his loved one see a last movie, called organizations dedicated to childhood dreams for terminal patients such as Make-A-Wish and the Starlight Foundation. All these organizations limited their help to children only and Rollerson was amazed to find no group granted adult wishes.

Undaunted, he contacted the movie studio, Twentieth Century Fox, and was astounded yet grateful when they provided a copy of the film (since the movie was still in theaters it was not yet in video stores).  This experience galvanized Rollerson to help other caregivers fulfill the dreams of the adult loved one who has last wishes. Thus, The Dream Foundation was created in 1994.

To date, The Dream Foundation has fulfilled thousands of wishes for adults battling terminal illnesses including more than 2,500 dreams in 2012.  Rollerson is proud of the foundation’s success – one of the few and longest-operating nonprofit organizations to grant wishes nationwide for terminally ill adults and to not limit the wishes to those with certain diseases (for instance there are other groups who grant wishes for adult cancer patients).

“I had a network of contacts in the Hollywood and film community and I started reaching out to see how others could help and it grew from there,” says Rollerson.

As opposed to the over-the-top wishes we watch Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman enjoy in the movie, The Bucket List (such as an African safari, dining in Paris and riding motorcycles along the Great Wall of China) he says his favorite wishes granted are the simple ones.  The Dream Foundation hosted a 104-year-old’s birthday party and invited the dream recipient’s brother whom he had not seen in 40 years.  Another woman had never stayed in a first- class hotel so the foundation gave her a weekend stay at a five-star resort. A 40-year-old man with lung cancer was granted a last wish of a fly fishing trip with his young sons and yet another dream recipient was given a state-of-the-art hearing aid “so he could hear what his grandchildren were saying to him.”

“It’s the simple joys in life we take for granted that become so important as we face ‘the end’,” says Rollerson.  “I learn from each dream we’ve given and it has become a gift to me to give these dreams.”

Note:  This blog is adapted from A Cast of Caregivers – Celebrity Stories to Help You Prepare to Care by Sherri Snelling (Balboa Press, Feb 2013).

©2012 Sherri Snelling

Sherri Snelling, CEO and founder of the Caregiving Club and author of A Cast of Caregivers – Celebrity Stories to Help You Prepare to Care (published by Balboa Press February, 2013), is a nationally recognized expert on America’s 65 million family caregivers with special emphasis on how to help caregivers balance “self-care” while caring for a loved one.  She is the former chairman of the National Alliance for Caregiving.

I recently received an email from a parent of another child in my daughter’s third grade class.  Another mom—someone new to town, who I don’t yet know well—was scheduled for reconstructive surgery following a mastectomy. She’d be in the hospital for five days, followed by least another five days of strict bed rest, and probably many more days where she wouldn’t have the energy to cook for her family.  One way our community was coming to her family’s aid was by organizing meal deliveries. Of course I wanted to help out.

Now, I should confess right now that I’m not much of a cook. I can follow a recipe, but cooking has never been my thing. I have a few go-to recipes for occasions like this—things that travel well, re-heat easily, and can be frozen if they’re not needed immediately. Most often, I make my mother’s lasagna, a pot of chili, or (if I’m feeling especially ambitious) homemade macaroni and cheese. But none of those were going to work this time; this family had requested no dairy, no meat, and all organic ingredients.  My limited repertoire was too limited. What was I going to do?

Normally my first step would have been to contact the parent who was coordinating the community to see whether she knew of some of the family’s favorite meals. Having a eight-year-old of my own, I know how tricky it can be to find something that everyone will enjoy, with or without additional restrictions. In this case, though (for a few reasons), it seemed best to tackle the challenge on my own.

As it turns out, many online recipe databases have advanced search features that allow you to limit your search results to recipes with certain criteria. For example, epicurious.com allowed me to search among vegetarian main dishes, excluding those that contain dairy. Likewise, allrecipes.com allowed me to search dinner recipes that were vegetarian and dairy-free, and I could list specific ingredients to include or exclude. Both sites also allow you to search based on other important criteria like gluten-free, kosher, low-sodium, and diabetic friendly. Basically, I could customize my search to the particular needs of the family I wanted to cook for.

Because I did not know for sure whether the meal requirements were the result of an allergy or a preference, I was extremely careful as I cooked to make sure that my counter, cookware, and utensils were clean. I read every label to make sure there were no “hidden” ingredients in anything that went into the meal. (It’s amazing how many things contain some form of dairy!) I also used a disposable foil pan, which not only ensured that no unwanted ingredients made their way into the dish, but also meant that the family did not have to worry about returning the pan when they were done.

I took the time to type up all of the ingredients that had gone into the meal, hoping it would give this family peace of mind that their needs and wishes had been met. This step is especially important when you are feeding a person with allergies; one person with a peanut allergy may be comfortable eating foods processed in facilities that also process tree nuts, for example, while others may not be able to take that chance. If you provide a list of specific ingredients (including brand names), they can check for themselves and feel more comfortable enjoying the meal.

And what did I end up making? A cheese-less quiche made with organic free range eggs, soy milk, and organic broccoli and tomatoes, a salad of organic greens, and blueberry crumb bars for dessert.

Between food allergies, restrictions set by doctors, and dietary preferences, it can sometimes be tricky to find meals that meet a family’s needs. But the logistics of finding and preparing the right recipe should never prevent someone from the simple act of kindness that sharing a meal represents.

What do you take into consideration when choosing a meal to deliver in your Community? For more meal ideas, check out our Meals That Bring Comfort board on Pinterest!

The Surprise of Community

Some write to us as the caregiver, marveling at the fact they didn’t realize how many people actually cared about them, certain that their spouse/parent/child would not have recovered without the incredible support from their “circles of community.”  Many others write as previously concerned friends or family – but now relieved – thankful for the opportunity to help without getting in the way of those they wish to support. It is clear to us at Lotsa Helping Hands that there is a pent-up need in our culture to (re)discover our basic instinct for a sense of community. Sharing each other’s lives, whether providing help when needed, or realizing the intimacy created when accepting other’s offers of help, is a significant activity that often brings a greater sense of meaning and purpose to our own lives.

“If Only…”

Which brings me back to those testimonials from people expressing a certain wistfulness that they didn’t know about Lotsa Helping Hands when they needed support during some previous challenge.  My wife was a child caregiver, helping take care of her father who was diagnosed with primary progressive multiple sclerosis (MS) when Debbie was only four years old.  By the time she was in middle school, Debbie was helping to feed and shave her father, juggling her schedule with her working mother, making sure someone was always around to assist her father.  As an adult she has often reflected on the gift of having this time with her father who died when she was only nineteen; but she has also lamented on a ‘lost’ childhood: frequently not being able to play with other children when she wanted to, sacrificing participation in many activities during high school, worrying not only about her father’s declining health but also concerned about her mother’s health and state of mind.  Certainly Debbie gained self-esteem and an emotional maturity far earlier than most children.  But she also had to deal with – way too early in life – the anger, anxiety, sacrifice, and guilt that plagues caregivers resentful of their plight.  Since Lotsa Helping Hands was launched, Debbie has mused more than once how radically different her childhood might have been if only there had been a way for her family to more easily harness the help within their own community at that time.

Our culture is inculcated in the idea of children being taken care of.  Rarely do we reflect on the fact that many children are in a reverse role, having the responsibility of taking care of someone else. The only national survey on this issue was in 2005 when the National Alliance for Caregiving reported that more than 1.3 million kids were looking after a parent or grandparent.

A Nation of Helping Hands

Perhaps you’re witnessing a family member or friend or neighbor struggling with the challenges of caring for a loved one. In recognition of November as National Family Caregivers Month, don’t just simply witness.  This month at Lotsa Helping Hands we are proclaiming 2013 as the “Year of Helping Hands”.  Visit our Promise Page and join the nation of helping hands by making a promise to help a caregiver in 2013.

After a long, hard battle President Obama has gained a second term as Commander in Chief.  We heard from the TV news pundits this election was a turning point in understanding the needs of a changing America.  I hope valuing family caregivers becomes part of that change.  We need to encourage the White House, Congress and all sectors of society to support those caregiving Americans who represent 80 percent of the long-term care workforce in our country – but how?

We have 65 million caregivers in this country – 1 in 3 U.S. households where 66 percent of all caregivers are women who spend on average 20 hours a week caring for an older or ill loved one.  In addition, 24 million Americans are considered  Sandwich Generation – squeezed between caring for children still at home and simultaneously caring for an aging parent.  And 7 out of 10 caregivers are juggling these family responsibilities while working full or part time.

What we all need to remember is President Obama and our government work for us:  we the people, we the caregivers.  November is when we elect our officials but it is also National Family Caregiver Month.  If you are one of the “65 million” I encourage you to find your voice as a caregiver:

1. “I am a caregiver” – caregivers need to self-identify as a caregiver.  Collectively as a group we need to develop the mentality that in order to get any attention in Washington you have to have them see you as a force to be considered.  AARP and the Ad Council recently kicked off a three-year public service announcement campaign to help caregivers self-identify.  If you are interested in understanding how government and state officials are supporting caregivers, visit the Family Caregiver Alliance web site where updates are provided on caregiving legislation.
2. Seek support on the job – with the economy in a still-too-slow recovery, we need to hang onto or finally find a job.  This is difficult for caregivers since they already have a job – caring for their loved one.  However, if you are employed, you need to speak up at work to get your employer to provide support that helps you and their bottom line (through improved health care costs and increased productivity).  In a recent report, the Family and Work Institute found 77 percent of employers are offering flex time – an increase from 66 percent in 2005.  Ask your employer if this or other benefits for caregivers are available.
3. Ask for and accept help – we need to come together as neighbors, friends and communities to help one another.  There are numerous ways to volunteer to help caregivers shoulder the burden. At Lotsa Helping Hands, you can create online communities for caregiver help and volunteerism. Lotsa also launched its Year of Helping Hands to address the caregiving crisis to create consistent momentum around caregiver support.

I join the caregiving advocates who encourage caregivers to speak up and let policymakers and other leaders in society hear your voice in order to receive the support and programs so critical to the long-term care in this country. Perhaps we need to start a caregiving political party to get attention like they did in Australia with the Carers Alliance Party.  What we can do is vote with our voices to ensure caregivers win support for the future.

©2012 Sherri Snelling

Sherri Snelling, CEO and founder of the Caregiving Club and author of A Cast of Caregivers – Celebrity Stories to Help You Prepare to Care (published by Balboa Press February, 2013), is a nationally recognized expert on America’s 65 million family caregivers with special emphasis on how to help caregivers balance “self-care” while caring for a loved one.  She is the former chairman of the National Alliance for Caregiving.

When I was growing up, the topics of pain, surgery, and physical therapy were the norm. My mother had been injured in numerous car accidents that ended her career as a stockbroker.  I’ve seen her run only once in my life and got used to carrying the heavy groceries or help her up from her chair when it got too painful for her to sit. I just never expected for my worst nightmare to happen: my mother getting into another car accident with me.

She had already been my caregiver when a bone infection had me bed-ridden for months. She made sure my friends were there to keep my chin up and she stayed in my room the night before my birthday, since I was too uncomfortable to sleep.  She was awesome, giving me a minute-by-minute account of what happened 15 years ago, refusing to say “Happy Birthday” until it was 5am and truly my day.

Once I was well again, I restarted my figure skating. One week into training, less than a mile from home, a speeding vehicle hit our car while we were stopped at a red light. It felt like a knife had gone through my back and neck; my right hand occasionally stopped working. I’ll never forget when my mom reached over me to grab something a couple days later and passed out due to a soon-to-be discovered herniated disc in her neck. Thankfully, I caught her. We had each other’s backs. When either of us had a bad day from then on, we were each other’s caregivers.

We were physical therapy buddies and helped each other recover after each exhausting session – confidants when nobody else could understand what it was like to be in our shoes. We even took post-PT naps together while trying to watch our favorite classic films. I don’t think I could have recovered so well and actually look back to see the good, rather than all the loss, if it weren’t for our caring relationship.

It took around three years to really make progress and start to feel like our old selves again. Sure, we can’t do everything we could, but we are stronger than ever because we had each other, not to mention our family and friends, especially my dad. Giving and receiving help fuelled me to make sure I got better so I could help my mom and vice versa.  I couldn’t wallow in how much I hated being incapacitated for long: I didn’t want to let my mom down because I imagined she felt like that, too. We were never alone.

I’m happy that phase of our relationship is over, yet we will never forget why we’re here. Together, we made a better future for ourselves and it’s pretty wonderful. Instead of commiserating, we make plans we know we’re healthy enough to do. Instead of driving to therapy, this summer we finally fulfilled our dream of driving around France’s Brittany Coast like we did before it all happened.

When have you shared a painful experience with someone? How did it change you and your outlook on life? Let us know in the comments below.

Flickr user Free Flower

As a young boy, Halloween was always one of my favorite holidays. Most kids love finding just the right costume, whether it’s this year’s popular cartoon character or some other creative homemade concoction. Yes, that was fun, but honestly for me, having grown up in a “health conscious” house, it was the one night each year when all I thought about was collecting as much candy as humanly possible.

Now, all grown up and the father of a seven-year-old boy, what I love most about Halloween is the social aspect of the holiday. The whole neighborhood is alive, with children and families traveling from house to house, and porch lights and jack-o-lanterns beckoning for visitors. It’s a great opportunity to meet new neighbors and get reacquainted with those who are rarely seen.

New to the Neighborhood on Halloween

On Halloween a few years ago I was with my son, The Cat in the Hat, as he raced up the driveway directly across the street from our own. We had only recently moved to the neighborhood and while I had introduced myself to these neighbors a few weeks before, I knew nothing more than that their names were Frank and Trudy, and they were empty nesters.

After we rang the bell, the door opened and there was Frank, with a warm smile, holding a large bowl. He lowered it to my son’s eye level and the boy’s face lit up. These weren’t miniature “fun size” bars that are the typical Halloween fare – these were full sized Hershey chocolate bars. My son’s smile couldn’t stretch any wider. He had just struck gold!

My son dropped a bar in his bag and thanked Frank, and we turned back toward the sidewalk just as the next group of kids arrived at the front door. As we walked down the driveway, away from the house, you could hear their excitement as they were let in on the secret, too.

Neighbors, Friends and Community

Flickr user Free Flower

As the years passed and I learned more about our neighbor, I became aware of his generosity in other areas of his life. He was committed to his community, to his family-run business, and of course, to his family. So when I learned why Frank handed out those oversized treats on Halloween, the reason wasn’t surprising; it was simple—he did it to make kids smile, which, in turn, brought him joy. Frank’s great affection for those around him made him look for any opportunity to share in their joy.

So this year, whether you’re at your own front door handing out candy or playing chaperone to your youngsters as they run door-to-door, consider introducing yourself to a neighbor. You might very well meet a special person who lives right next door.